Even the best relationships have their challenges. If you’re in one, you might be struggling to make things work. If you’re not, then you might be looking for someone to fill your “love gap.”
Many of you are looking for love; for someone to complete you. And there are plenty of on-line dating sites to prove it: Match.com, eHarmony, Chemistry.com, OurTime.com, OkCupid, Tinder, etc.
But here’s the problem, a lot of what you’re looking for is not love, may not be love, but a Band-Aid disguised as love. For instance, you might be feeling lonely, so instead of working on trying to figure out why, you start to look for someone who’ll fill your “lonely gap.” Some of you may feel unlovable, and believe that if you find someone to love you, you’ll feel whole.
The core issues are being skipped over. Even if you find a partner, that partner can easily become your crutch. They are the ones helping you feel less lonely and more loved. Do you see how that can make the problem worse?
At first, it may seem like you’re in paradise. You won’t feel lonely anymore, and you’ll feel so much love, you’re walking on Cloud 9. But what if that person you met on Tinder decides they’ve had enough. Maybe you’re not right for them. As soon as they leave, the loneliness will once again engulf you. So you didn’t really solve the problem. At this point, you’ll feel rejected, depressed and move on to OkCupid, where you hope to find your next crutch.
You have to be whole yourself before someone else can step into your life. No one can complete you. As romantic as the Jerry Maguire scene was when Tom Cruise’s character tells Renee Zellweger that she completes him, that was just a movie. You must complete yourself. If you’re not whole, then if the person that “completes” you leaves, you’ll be left a crumbling mess. When you are complete on your own, then and only then, you will be ready to meet your equal—someone that will be a partner, not a crutch to help you feel better about yourself.
Band-Aids can easily come off. The important thing is to make sure your wound is healed up, so you won’t need a Band-Aid anymore!
Submitted by: Rossana Snee, MFT, author of The Healing Alphabet, 26 Empowering Ways to Enrich Your Life. Follow her on https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcigu_joKqgIelc6jhvecsw, Twitter, Instagram (@therapyXpress). Visit her at www.rossanasnee.com. She is available in a therapeutic capacity, and also for speaking engagements.